Last month, we called guys out for all of the awkward things they do in bed that taint a woman’s pleasure and/or incite laughter (usually both). The ladies yukked it up at the expense of inept men everywhere, and conceded, “Yeah, dudes can do some pretty strange things post-coitus.”
For the sake of fairness, we decided to turn the tables on the ladies and expose the less-than-attractive (and in some cases, less-than-sane) moves women make. Turns out, women do some cringe-worthy shit, too. Join us as we dissect the many awkward things women do after sex. We all have lessons to learn.
Dudes, you’re not doing something wrong if she’s cruising Instagram to see what Nylon just posted, or creeping on any of her various social networks immediately after sex. It’s not that she didn’t enjoy those eight minutes of ecstasy. She just has a pathetically short attention span, and an irrational fear of missing important social media moments.
Ask if you have a girlfriend.
File this under: questions she should have asked BEFORE she took her clothes off and jumped into your bed. If she didn’t ask, it clearly doesn’t concern her. She shouldn’t feign like she cares now.
Run out to buy Plan B even though you practiced perfectly safe sex.
Does she believe that multiple condoms means increased safety against a guy’s little swimmers? Was she absent the whole year that they gave those presentations on putting condoms in health class? A single condom is enough. She’s not pregnant if you used a condom correctly. She should stop wasting cash on expensive pharmaceuticals, and making you think she’s a weirdo.
Purposely try to leave something behind.
This is Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct type shit. Does she really think you believe she left her diamond earrings on your sink by accident? This is a sad display of low self-esteem, and you recognize it as that. She should be cool enough that you should want to see her again based on that fact alone. She shouldn’t need to resort to scheming.
Ask for food.
You just gave her good loving, now she wants you to feed her, too? FOH. What are you, room service?
Are those tears of pleasure? Does such a thing even exist? We doubt even the most indefectible ego will construe this as compliment. You’ll see it as terrifying, because it is. She needs to keep it together, and save the Kleenex moments for when she’s venting to her girls.
Ask “Will you be my boyfriend?”
There she goes, getting ahead of her damn self. You just put your dick in her. You didn’t shove a signed scroll promising lifelong commitment up there when she wasn’t looking. It was sex. Also, this is a question she shouldn’t ask anyone, ever, whether the guy’s a one-night-stand, or a dude who she’s been dating for months. These kinds of things establish themselves.
Ask for cab money.
Wait, didn’t you pay for the drinks last night, and provide her with some quality humping? Just kidding. But seriously, how’s she gonna demean herself by asking this question? If you offer, you’re a gentleman. If she asks, it kind of makes the whole deal a paid transaction. No, it doesn’t make it better if she asks you to put it in the pocket of her pants in the other room instead of in her hand. The sleight of hand is only part of what makes this exchange ultra awkward.
Freak out about your semen.
It’s semen, not hydrochloric acid. It’s not going to burn a hole through her stomach, so she can stop making horror movie faces when you ejaculate on her. Openly expressing fear of your fluids will instill shame in you that no amount of oral sex can fix.
Compare your performance with the last guy’s.
A little well-meaning direction is a great move. How else will you know how to get her off? But, if it goes down the “my ex used to do this” avenue, she’s taken a wrong turn. No man enjoys being given pointers based on the last guy (who, by the way, was WAY more successful at pleasuring her).
The considerate woman leaves out the names and pronouns and says, “I’d like it if you touched my ass more,” rather than saying, “John used to do this thing with my ass that drove me nuts. Why don’t you try that?” More orgasms for her, less ego bruising for you
Start making plans for the future.
If a woman has sex with you and immediately asks when she’s meeting your parents, your fear will be palpable. You may begin eyeing the fire escape, and seriously contemplate scurrying down four floors to avoid answering this question. Truly, we wouldn’t blame you. She’s once again getting ahead of herself. You shared a beautiful moment, sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to take her apple picking now.
Immediately say, “I never do this.”
Both of you know this is the furthest thing from the truth. Why not just be the sexy she-devil, and not make apologies for it? Plus, you’re 100% chuckling at this sham of a statement in your head. Maybe even aloud, depending on your self-control.
Ask, “But will you still respect me in the morning?”
Respect doesn’t evaporate after sex. It was either there to begin with, or it wasn’t. If she had qualms about which camp you were in, she shouldn’t have slept with you. Asking this question makes her look insecure, and frankly makes all women look bad.
Take your clothes for the walk of shame.
If you’re her boyfriend, asking you to turn over your favorite hoodie for the subway ride back to her place is perfectly acceptable. If she doesn’t know you, asking you for one of your white tees is a fail. She should suck it up and hail a cab. It’s not a walk of shame if the cabbie is the only person that witnesses her in a sequined dress and smeared eyeliner at 10 a.m.
Hang out the next morning in hopes of getting a brunch invite.
When you ask what her plans are for the day, it’s not because you want to take her out to brunch. It’s because you want her to get the hell out of your apartment so you can roll around in your bed, with the covers to yourself, and fart loudly in peace. Why does she have to be that lingering girl who forces you to change into your gym gear to fake her out? She shouldn’t even have to wait for a cue to leave, but if she needs one, the cue is when you wake up.
Sorry, guys, this one is on you. Maybe if you had done it right the first time, she wouldn’t have to correct your mistakes, and take things into her own hands. Or maybe this is her way of signaling she’s ready for round two? Just kidding, we just said that to soothe your ego. Break her off, already!
Cut cuddling short so she can go pee.
Guys, it’s not because she has a tiny bladder. Well, probably not. It’s because she’s trying to prevent UTIs. She’s a smart, sensible woman, this one. She’s trying to ensure a lifetime (or, a few more weeks, depending on how much she likes you) of infection-free sex. Shout out to that! Plus, stop being such a pussy about the cuddling thing. She’ll be back in two minutes
Try to talk about the freaky thing you just did and what it meant.
She gets props for convincing you to allow her to put a finger in your ass. That’s awesome for you two. But, going all Freud on you and forcing you to tell her just what about her stroking your prostate you enjoyed most, and why, that’s a no-no. That’s the quickest way to nip your adventurous spirit in the…. Sorry, sensitive subject.
Was it something you or your penis did wrong? Did the sex tickle? So many unanswered questions.
Try to kiss you right after going down on you.