it can be really difficult when you’re in a relationship and you have a higher sex drive than your partner. If you’ve been there, you know. You put yourself out there for sex only to end feeling rejected and, often foolish.
Being on the same page as your partner can solve a lot of things. Chores are shared equally, picking a movie takes like five seconds, and your sex life is on fleek. But we’re going to go ahead and guess that you and your S.O. don’t agree on literally everything. And when you disagree about how much sex is enough, that can be a big problemo.
Though you’re on your own when it comes to deciding between The Queen and OA, we’ve asked experts to explain why syncing up your sex life can be tough and how to fix that.
The Problem: You Want Sex More Often
Men greatly underestimate their partners’ sex drives, found a recent study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
It also showed that if men thought their partners weren’t up for doing it, they wouldn’t attempt to initiate. Shocker: Women do want sex! But we’re typically not as free with sexual expression, so men don’t pick up on our cues. (Spice up your sex life with this organic lube from the Women’s Health Boutique.)
You’ve gotta tell your guy directly you want to get busy. Feel awkward? Bring it up in a setting that makes sense—say, while watching a romantic movie.
“The language we use to talk about sex can be sexy in itself,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and sexuality counselor in New York City, so phrase it like a fantasy. (“I love morning sex with you. It would be so hot if we could do more of that.”) If it’s still not happening, make an emotional case, says Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a New York City sex and relationships expert. Explain what it means to you (e.g., you feel closer to him) so he knows it’s important to you and your bond.
The Problem: He Wants Sex More Often
Men’s higher libidos are hardwired (more testosterone) and socially ingrained (they’re taught to pursue sex), says Fleming.
Another perk: It’s physiologically easier for them to get aroused spontaneously. All they need are simple signs, like seeing you step out of the shower, and—boom.
You don’t have to satisfy every hard-on, but don’t belittle his requests either. Rejections like “Jeez, you’re always so damn horny” will build up over time.
“The higher-desire partner’s sexual frustration can leave them feeling hurt, while the lower-desire partner feels pressured,” says Kerner. The solution: Compromise on how often you want to do it, and schedule your romps. He’ll know you value sex with him, and seeing Thursday’s 8 p.m. “;)” in your cal will put you in a sexy mindset to prep for the deed.
Having different sex drives with your partner is an obstacle many couples face, particularly as they stay together for a longer period of time.
Stress, hormone levels and more can cause a lower sex drive.
Through healthy communication, compromise, and maybe even spice things up in the bedroom, you can overcome this obstacle.
Don’t take it personally.
Do something different.
Focus on what works.
Touch affectionately without thinking sex is imminent.
Accept a gift of love.
Respect your partner’s sexual prerequisites.
If all else fails, be brutally honest.